A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the shops." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have got the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you £100, if I could just see one in the flesh." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, I could sure do with £100, so she opens her robe and shows him one. He then promptly thanks her and givess her £100. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "that was so beautiful, I've just got to see them both. I will give you another £100, if you will show me both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says "what the hell", opens her robe and gives Chris a long look. Chris thanks her and gives her another £100, he then says he cannot wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris, he nipped over earlier." Tony thinks about this for a second and says
"Well, did he drop off the £200 he owes me?"

A young newlywed couple, were in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

With that, she threw her knickers over to him and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "damn it," he said, "I can't get into your Knickers!" She replied, "You're so right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were a lot firmer you wouldn't need a bra." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

The next week, they are both in the bathroom again and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

The wife is now very pissed and starts plotting her revenge.

One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."

One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for a million quid." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million quid." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million quid but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."

Two women were sat talking about their lives since they'd become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out of the bathroom and sees me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!" "Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I will try that tonight!"

That night, while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she takes off all her clothes, although it's a struggle, she manages to get one leg up and behind her head. With some effort, she finally gets the other leg behind her head as well. No sooner has she accomplished this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a very shocked look on his face, he shouts "For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an arsehole!"

There were three dicks standing on the corner. They were talking about how hard there lives are. The first dick said, "I have it the worst, my master plays with me all night." The second dick said, "No! I get it worse than you do, my master strokes me all night." The third dick says, "That's nothing, my master puts a plastic bag over my head, shoves me in a dark tunnel, and makes me do push ups until I puke."

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put the lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.

The wife started to become aroused by this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"

The husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl but upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his Penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extra curricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified by this and decided to get a second opinion.

So Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate straight away."

Joe just couldn't accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong.

Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These Engwish Doctors so quick to Chop Chop. Amplutation not necesally."

Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

The first time I went to a drug store to buy some condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backward.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you are too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You then work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school, you go grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities, you then become a little baby, you go back into the womb, and spend your last nine months floating... then finish off as an orgasm.

A fire chief had just married and on his honeymoon he told his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse, he said... they should have sex on the bell system.

He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around.

The fire chief came home from work and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed. He hollered "Three Bells" they started fooling around like crazy.

A few minutes later, SHE yells "Four Bells."

"Four Bells?" the fire chief asks, "What is four bells?"

"Let out more hose, Your nowhere near the fire!"

One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.

Little Susie dropped her knickers and showed Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"